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Saturday, 19 December 2009

  • Goodbye Friend

    My friend died yesterday at 4:30pm. She had a boating accident earlier in the week down in Florida. From what I heard, the boat hit the pier, she went flying off the boat head first into the rocks. Her uncle made many attempts to find her. When he finally did, part of her skull was missing. She was pronounced brain dead at the hospital. She was kept on life support so her family could say goodbye and make the finally decision to let her go. The whole situation is unbelievable and devastating. She was only 25. She was one of the most enthusiastic people I have ever known. She had just finished law school. A bright future laid ahead but now we will never know what could have been. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain her family is going through right now. My friends and I are heartbroken over the loss of a wonderful human being.

    It's funny ... one of her favorite poems was "May there always be an angel at your side". Now I know that she'll be the angel watching over all of us.

    RIP Dianne <3  I will never forget you.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

  • Best Friends

    I have grown up with an unrealistic view of friendship. I always thought that in order to be happy and normal you needed an abundance of close friends who to talk to all the time and everything is wonderful. Where did I get this from? I have no idea. I just know that having a lot of friends always seemed vital. It is only recently that I have come to the realization that a few close friends is all you really need and the acquaintances in your life will fill in the gaps. And it's true that the people at work, school and your other regular spots are just as vital because they give you other people to bounce off of. It's also important to have a third party opinion, someone to bs with and just see different faces. But no one is as good as your close friends.

    I honestly have quite a few good friends right now. More than I've realize. But only 3 are my best friends. The ones who know the details and will tell me the truth. The friends who are there when you're crying at 3am, celebrating your little victories, and dragging your ass home from the bar when you can't do it yourself. I don't know what I would do without them.

    I see people who have their "circle of friends" which consist of like 15 people and I get jealous. Why isn't my circle that big? Actually my best friends are independent of each other. Why don't I have a circle? But then I realize I wouldn't trade my girls in for any circle. How close can 15 people actually be? I enjoy my exclusive club and only those I trust may join. Yeah, if I counted every single friend I have I might have a circle of 15 or 20 but could I trust all of them with the details of my life. Maybe one or two more but not all of them.

    So I think I'll continue being content with my best friends and the great times we have. Without them, I would have fallen apart long ago. Friends are the family you choose and I think I've chosen some of the best.

Tuesday, 08 December 2009

  • Insanity Strikes Again!

    Me? Depressed? What a shocker. I am spiraling into my dark hole again. Some of it is my own fault. I apparently like the abuse I give to myself. But some of it I have no control over. I mean, I should be seeing a counselor but to find one I click with is exhausting. I had this great one at school but the last semester she was gone. I assume they cut back on jobs and she was the newest one. I was so devastated I cried, bawled even. I was so lucky to have found her. Now what? I am lost. So I guess I just wanna know where I'm headed and how can I get there. So here's the list of what I want currently. All of these things may not actually make me happy but I want them regardless, because my craziness believes it will help.
    • Weigh 120 lbs. I know, outer beauty isn't the key to happiness, but I still want it.
    • I want the guy I like in the moment to want me always. It would make me happy for a hot second. Of course once I have him, I will want someone else because my mind is twisted like that.
    • A real job. I can sub right now, but I hate being a per diem sub. Although what I really want to be is a school counselor, but I still have lots of school for that.
    • To keep all of my good friends. I have so few and when I lose one it hurts. And I'm usually the one who fucks up.
    • Be happy. I haven't figured this one out yet. And I mean consistently happy or content or whatever. Not sad/depressed/anxious. Need to find happiness in myself.
    Is that too much to ask? Is life just full of down falls, depression, anxiety, pain, suffering and loneliness? Sadly enough I have a past habit of self medicated, but so far I have not done so (yay me!). But it's coming soon. I need to get a grip on things. I just don't know how. My mom doesn't help. She just yells at me to get it together. Thanks, I didn't realize that ma! I just need my friends more often but everyone is all grown up and too busy.

    Soon I'll hit rock bottom. I'm looking forward to the meds, straight jacket and padded walls. I think I'll be safe from the world there ...

Tuesday, 07 July 2009

cbreezii

  • Visit cbreezii's Xanga Site
    • Country: United States
    • Member Since: 1/15/2009

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